giving-into-negativity grows failure

I abandoned my studies and chased bad atmosphere constantly felt like a gangster, kind of enjoyed being praised of breaking rules to be frank. Truth is my upbringing was pretty rough I had to partake 7 years of primary academic journey in a house that had no electricity moreover I was quite not aware of the feeling of drinking cold water nor ate cold food items and so sad I had to go next door to watch cartoons or current issues, back then we were not allowed to sit on the couch hence use the fact that I have playing with debris as a reason to make me sit on the floor or sometimes told to go home without fault so prolly said to be too dirty to sit on the couch and it killed my soul but the childish desire to watch television made me settle for my neighbor’s criticism because of my welfare. I wrote assignments under a blur candle light I could feel my eyes straining but nevertheless it was obvious that life was not pretty for my family. I can say I showed appreciation back then and never blamed mother for the type of welfare we had, she would go to work and cry all day in need of her. Now I understand she was reserving food on the table and securing a future for me and my siblings that were to be born and today they have also grown up and seem to be growing towards success in the future which makes me a greatly proud brother. Mother groomed me hence  she was giving me the love that every child gets,she was a duo guardian, a father and mother as a whole basically I was raised by a single mother till to date moreover I would get hurt a couple of times when my childhood friends would brag about how their fathers promised to buy them fancy toys or game stations and truth is I wanted a taste of that too but knew that mother was already doing enough to sustain our family’s welfare I mean it wasn’t her fault that her life was not pretty in the beginning, I believe God always has a plan for every house that leaks on the roof and that is why my instincts convinced me that she had not chosen the type of life she was living. Contradictions got the most of me and grew curiosity to know my father’s whereabouts most importantly why my mother had to raise me all alone for over two decades. The past twenty years have not been the easiest though I kept trying to figure out the reason the man who had a spot of being my father threw it away, I got to ask myself if I was lucky or unlucky to be fatherless little did I know it was not really important to hunt a man instead of treasures that will construct my tomorrow. I was tempting with time, something that never stops but as it keeps passing deadlines meet ends. Its a fact that I am so blessed to have a biological guardian no matter the criteria moreover have come across kids that were born parent-less and some abandoned further would without question cherish a place that creation placed me in that for years I have considered as hell. For a fact I was born with intelligence and with lots of potential instilled in me yet chose to abandon my studies and failed my BGCSE exams so bad.